For the past year or so my life has had some pretty significant changes. I have a son who most of you know was taken from us. When he was taken my whole outlook on life became bitter. I seriously hated everything and almost everyone. I question the point of life in general and I questioned my faith in God even more. I turned into the worst version of myself. I became rude to those I loved and verbally hurtful to them as well.
This blog is for the start of something new. I have become very aware of myself in the last few months and realize, wow im hurting and pushing away those closest to me. Before I really came to this realization I put all blame not on myself but on James; the love of my life. Everything he did I was irritated with, everything he was I was so mean and hurtful. I love him for everything he is and for some reason all I could see was the bad in him. I know now that it was only because I was scared of seeing the bad in myself. There was also outside folks that I put no blame on, but at the same time you know I listened them because at the time thats what I wanted to hear. I only wanted to hear it because I was trying to push my family away. I failed to tell them all the faults in myself.
Jimmy I'm still that girl you fell in love with
I want EVERYONE to know the mistake I made. Maybe you wont make the same mistake as me and maybe things will be a bit better in my life as well.
So here it goes:
Being the way i was/am I was searching for something outside my chaotic world at home. My home life was only chaotic because of me. Because of every thing I just discussed above. As I was ignoring my heart and being selfish I started like a guy from work. He said the right things, and said everything I wanted to hear. Of course I instantly was attracted and put james aside. I started lieing to james about where I was at night, I even let james get drunk one night and I left early in the morning to go see this guy. James was drunk and home alone with my son. Sure enough aidan woke up. James was home, drunk with our baby crying. THAT RIGHT THERE says I was not being myself. I was being so selfish that I left my son at home and left james to care for him. That was so wrong of me.
I would tell James that I was going out with my girlfriends when in fact I was out with this guy. I know for a fact this guy is bad news, and i was looking past all of that. My friends told me, james told me and even the guy himself told me. First of all he had a girlfriend whom he's cheated on a lot. I knew this..and yet I continued. All of this was breaking james is heart. For a week he couldnt eat, couldnt sleep. All of his frustrations was driving him mad. He posted things about me in anger, said things to me in anger. And yet I ignored this outreach.
The night I snuck out while james was home with aidan drunk, i messed around with this guy. I eventually told james, only because james figured it out. Im so glad I did though. I hated what i did and YES I've regreted it ever since.
A week ago I started realizing that what i was doing was so wrong. I would cry hysterically to james asking him to forgive me. But im afraid its too late. He said he lost all respect for me, he didnt love me anymore and he could never trust me again.
Just this last weekend james had gone up on a trip to seattle to visit his friend. I was sad because i was home for the second weekend alone. James wouldnt answer any of my phone calls. I got very lonely and just as before I took all of my feelings and used them in the wrong way. I invited that guy over. Which orignally i just wanted to hang out with him. But then of course he brought alcohal, we all know what his intentions were, me...beging a lone, confused, sad, terrified. I let it happen. I messed around with this guy again.
Later the next day james tells me he slept with a girl from seattle. Shes beautiful and of course loves VWS its james' dream girl.
I'm not mad at all that they had sex. I feel as though I deserve that kind of hurt because I put the same hurt and pain upon him.
This is for james, because I have made so many mistakes and can only hope you will forgive me and love me. It will be hard, but I promise I could never hurt you like this again.
I am currently seeking therapy for my my horrible outlook on life. Its possible I have some depression still lingering about from the time aidan was taken. It is very hard to be so young and have the world at your finger tips and be a parent at the same time. James and I are beginnig to realize that we can still be loving, caring, responsible parents and go out and live life.
My heart will always be yours for the keeping. I am so sorry for everything I have done. I have hurt you more than anyone ever should. Please look at this as a learning experience. I know I am. I know I will NEVER EVER EVER treat you this way again. My eyes are being opened so quickly to everything I hate about myself and everything I love about you.
I ask for you forgiveness although I know you may be still hurting or you may have stopped loving me all together. I just know everything I've ever wanted to do in my lifetime included you in it. Youre right, its because of me that all of this has happened and I am so sorry.
I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I want to spend the rest of my life loving you the way you deserved to be loved. I want to spend the rest of my life making you laugh and making you smile. I want to spend the rest of my life thanking you for being yourself. You are the most amazing person in the world to me, and I forgot that for a while. You can be yourself around me. Im sorry for being so awful especially this last year. You are the one I compare everyone else to. Your handsome, sweet, loving, caring, a fantastic father, the best lover i've ever had and will ever have without a doubt. Your touch, your hugs, your kisses makes my day brighter. I see all beauty in you. When I think of the moon, the stars, the wind, flowers, love, happiness. I think of you.
I may have just lost the greatest thing that could ever happen to one person. So please heed my advice, things may be a bit troublesome sometimes in your relationship but never ever look past your own faults to blame the one you love. Never take love for granted EVER I dont care how long you've been with someone.1 month -15 years...its not right. DONT DO IT. It hurts so bad. Let them know everyday how much you truly appreciate them. SHOW THEM how much you love them. Because one day something might happen to send your relationship spiraling downward and fast.
Jams Patrick O'Hara. I love you with every ounce of my heart.
I'm so sorry for taking you for granted.
my partner in crime...my prince...my night in shining armor... my nerd.