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Sarah
cherrys2098
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Hmm, hello? haha The hello is to no one i'm sure. Livejournal has kind of died off in popularity as myspace expanded its horizons.

Well here I am, 22 mother of a 3 year old little boy, jobless...and.....just here.

FUCK why did life have to change on me AGAIN!? God damnit. The one thing I NEVER EVER WANTED was to be a single mom and woop here I fucking am. I blame him...he's fucking getting married now and doing just as his father did. THANKS A LOT I should have known.... We went through hell together and you just ran away.

wow obviously i'm still bothered by the break up of my sons father. But its just bullshit. I am so tired everyday. It's so hard doing this.

I start school again tomorrow, I dont know why. I need to find a job! I'm negative $34 in my bank account with no income and i'm going to school!? aghhhhhhh frustrating.


ANyways...lol hopefully the next time i write in here my life will have changed yet again but maybe for the better!

xoxox
sarah*

Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted

Helllooooooooo out therrrrrrrrrrrrre....

lol.

sigh...


they tell me to get over him.

why?

i will...in my own time.

right now i just miss him terribly.

if you would have told me three years ago, a fiance and a baby later this is where i would be. I would have NEVer believed you.


I have to be strong, for myself and aidan. If this is what we have to do then i'll do it.

Im NOT going to say I dont love him. I do. Just be strong sarah, this is what has to happen.


i miss him so much sometimes. I want to make him giggle like i used to be able to do.


sigh...

i have a lot of work to do, finish unpacking, go shopping for misc. items i need lol.

alright, everyone have a beautiful fall day!

XoxOXOX

For the past year or so my life has had some pretty significant changes. I have a son who most of you know was taken from us. When he was taken my whole outlook on life became bitter. I seriously hated everything and almost everyone. I question the point of life in general and I questioned my faith in God even more. I turned into the worst version of myself. I became rude to those I loved and verbally hurtful to them as well.

This blog is for the start of something new. I have become very aware of myself in the last few months and realize, wow im hurting and pushing away those closest to me. Before I really came to this realization I put all blame not on myself but on James; the love of my life. Everything he did I was irritated with, everything he was I was so mean and hurtful. I love him for everything he is and for some reason all I could see was the bad in him. I know now that it was only because I was scared of seeing the bad in myself. There was also outside folks that I put no blame on, but at the same time you know I listened them because at the time thats what I wanted to hear. I only wanted to hear it because I was trying to push my family away. I failed to tell them all the faults in myself.

Jimmy I'm still that girl you fell in love with

I want EVERYONE to know the mistake I made. Maybe you wont make the same mistake as me and maybe things will be a bit better in my life as well.

So here it goes:

Being the way i was/am I was searching for something outside my chaotic world at home. My home life was only chaotic because of me. Because of every thing I just discussed above. As I was ignoring my heart and being selfish I started like a guy from work. He said the right things, and said everything I wanted to hear. Of course I instantly was attracted and put james aside. I started lieing to james about where I was at night, I even let james get drunk one night and I left early in the morning to go see this guy. James was drunk and home alone with my son. Sure enough aidan woke up. James was home, drunk with our baby crying. THAT RIGHT THERE says I was not being myself. I was being so selfish that I left my son at home and left james to care for him. That was so wrong of me.

I would tell James that I was going out with my girlfriends when in fact I was out with this guy. I know for a fact this guy is bad news, and i was looking past all of that. My friends told me, james told me and even the guy himself told me. First of all he had a girlfriend whom he's cheated on a lot. I knew this..and yet I continued. All of this was breaking james is heart. For a week he couldnt eat, couldnt sleep. All of his frustrations was driving him mad. He posted things about me in anger, said things to me in anger. And yet I ignored this outreach.

The night I snuck out while james was home with aidan drunk, i messed around with this guy. I eventually told james, only because james figured it out. Im so glad I did though. I hated what i did and YES I've regreted it ever since.

A week ago I started realizing that what i was doing was so wrong. I would cry hysterically to james asking him to forgive me. But im afraid its too late. He said he lost all respect for me, he didnt love me anymore and he could never trust me again.

Just this last weekend james had gone up on a trip to seattle to visit his friend. I was sad because i was home for the second weekend alone. James wouldnt answer any of my phone calls. I got very lonely and just as before I took all of my feelings and used them in the wrong way. I invited that guy over. Which orignally i just wanted to hang out with him. But then of course he brought alcohal, we all know what his intentions were, me...beging a lone, confused, sad, terrified. I let it happen. I messed around with this guy again.

Later the next day james tells me he slept with a girl from seattle. Shes beautiful and of course loves VWS its james' dream girl.

I'm not mad at all that they had sex. I feel as though I deserve that kind of hurt because I put the same hurt and pain upon him.

This is for james, because I have made so many mistakes and can only hope you will forgive me and love me. It will be hard, but I promise I could never hurt you like this again.

I am currently seeking therapy for my my horrible outlook on life. Its possible I have some depression still lingering about from the time aidan was taken. It is very hard to be so young and have the world at your finger tips and be a parent at the same time. James and I are beginnig to realize that we can still be loving, caring, responsible parents and go out and live life.

JAMES/JIMMY:

My heart will always be yours for the keeping. I am so sorry for everything I have done. I have hurt you more than anyone ever should. Please look at this as a learning experience. I know I am. I know I will NEVER EVER EVER treat you this way again. My eyes are being opened so quickly to everything I hate about myself and everything I love about you.

I ask for you forgiveness although I know you may be still hurting or you may have stopped loving me all together. I just know everything I've ever wanted to do in my lifetime included you in it. Youre right, its because of me that all of this has happened and I am so sorry.

I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I want to spend the rest of my life loving you the way you deserved to be loved. I want to spend the rest of my life making you laugh and making you smile. I want to spend the rest of my life thanking you for being yourself. You are the most amazing person in the world to me, and I forgot that for a while. You can be yourself around me. Im sorry for being so awful especially this last year. You are the one I compare everyone else to. Your handsome, sweet, loving, caring, a fantastic father, the best lover i've ever had and will ever have without a doubt. Your touch, your hugs, your kisses makes my day brighter. I see all beauty in you. When I think of the moon, the stars, the wind, flowers, love, happiness. I think of you.

I may have just lost the greatest thing that could ever happen to one person. So please heed my advice, things may be a bit troublesome sometimes in your relationship but never ever look past your own faults to blame the one you love. Never take love for granted EVER I dont care how long you've been with someone.1 month -15 years...its not right. DONT DO IT. It hurts so bad. Let them know everyday how much you truly appreciate them. SHOW THEM how much you love them. Because one day something might happen to send your relationship spiraling downward and fast.

Jams Patrick O'Hara. I love you with every ounce of my heart.

I'm so sorry for taking you for granted.
my partner in crime...my prince...my night in shining armor... my nerd.

I hate myself

for:

making out with another guy
not going to more car shows with james
not giving him all of my heart i hate myself so much!


now hes moving on, and i just feel sorry for myself. and im crying hysterically because im going to miss him so much. IM SO SORRY, im so stupid!

im so stupid...

i hate that you have a chance with a girl that is right up your alley...i want it to be me.

i love you, im so sorry...

I love james.
I sometimes think i need james.
Although what he says is true to some extent I never thought it was bad enough to completly end it.


Im sorry for being so awful.
Time
I need to make a change, i hate mysef for treating you like that. Its not a duo personality flaw, its just mine.

We could make it work if i pulled my head out of the clouds and look at whats right in front of me...


time...

ill let you decide whats best. I havent been able to make any good desicions lately and im sorry.
I cry when i think of our first picture together...its gone now...

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a warm hearted and open minded person. It's easy for you to forgive and forget.

You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds.

You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself.

Your near future is a lot like the present, and as far as you're concerned, that's a very good thing.

For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

the smallest goldfish died this morning. :( How sad...


heh...weird.

We got 3 gold fish for aidan today. lol I find myself watching them more than aidan. Its pretty relaxing though lol.

lata

Yup, so Aidan is taking a nap and i just finished a delicious PB&J. Oh man, I suppose i must start cleaning. I have SO MUCH TO DO!!! YUK, but hey I get to stay at home all day and not work! lol. Although I have been looking at some jobs working with kids. IM SO EXCITED!!! Usually they dont pay much but at least ill be bringing some money in!

ALRIGHTY, ta ta darlings.

haha

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